News Flash

A dispatch from RAFCOP (Lemur Alliance)

Pictured is Kee Ti Kaat one of several fearless cats being trained by Cat Prime Minister Landon Feet's personal martial arts expert, Kik Tane Lo, to form a new elite force that will take over the security of Landon Feet, and his family.
Fears are growing amongst the Lemur/Raptor alliance that the ongoing silence from the Thanes is ominous, and a fresh attack could occur at any time.

Have the Thanes co-opted 'Wired' reporter?

A dispatch from EMMUTTMAX (Lemur Alliance)

Alert stumbler Oswald Glinkmeyer notified lemur headquarters of a recent post on the online magazine, Wired, in which the reporter takes a Thane-like jab at lemurs. Such uncalled for slurs in a usually well-thought-of publication may stoke the fires of recent world-wide protests aimed at Thane bigotry.
An investigation is underway to determine if this is just an isolated incident of bad reporting or a propaganda-for-money scheme similar to Bush administration antics.
The article by Lore Sjorberg is about Wikipedia and contains the following paragraph:
Well, Wikipedia exists in a state of quantum significance flux.
It's simultaneously a shining, flawless collection of incontrovertible information, and a debased pile of meaningless words thrown together by uneducated lemurs with political agendas. It simply cannot exist in any state between these two extremes. You can test this yourself by expressing a reasonable opinion about the site in any public space. Whatever words you type, they will be interpreted by readers as supporting one of these two opposing views.

Lemur youths protest Thane besmirching

A dispatch from EMMUTTMAX (Lemur Alliance)

College students in Furville, Madagascar took to the streets today engaging in the ritual "waving of the genitals" in protest of the notorious Thanes of Thomond henchman Thamus' because of his recent post of a fake scandal sheet which alleged Emmuttmax had been seen with Hissy Kitty--the eldest daughter of CAT Prime Minister Landon Feet--carousing at jet-set nightspots and engaging in tawdry behavior.
Although yesterday's post here--on this trustworthy source of information--cleared Emmuttmax of the Thane's unscrupulous charges, lemur youth have not forgiven Irish idiot's low blow.
In Scotland--where Emmuttmax actually spent the days he was supposedly escorting the feline first daughter around--the lemur signed a treaty of alliance with the Highlanders. It is rumored Scottish lemurs may also rise up in protest. In another post on the outrageous Thamus site, he took aim at the sartorially resplendent citizens of the Highland Nation, a move that is likely to haunt him in days to come.
In Furville, Emmutmax has appealed to the angry students for calm and promised that no Thane will go unpunished.

Lemurs secretly redeploy to Scotland

A dispatch from THAMUS (Celts & CATS leader)

The lemur propaganda machine swung back into action today with this news report, filed from unchecked press releases by gullible Welsh journalists in the mainstream media. They presented a sob story about "endangered lemurs" evacuating Wales for Scotland.
Hiding between the sugary lines is a clear vindication of Thane warnings about the gathering storm. Thane intelligence sources late last night intercepted a message from the Great Nebula instructing British lemur forces to begin quietly redeploying to Scotland.
This is in preparation for an alien-backed offensive from the Mull of Kintyre into the Celtic heartland. This is expected to be backed by raptor air power, following the RAP's dawn reconnaissance flight over Thomond Castle three days ago and its subsequent ominous silence, apart from some half-hearted and badly faked propaganda barbs.
From the Welsh news report:
* "Trelow, the abandoned baby Tim hand-reared in 2004, will remain at Folly Farm with his surrogate father, along with 12 other ringtails. Trelow is doing well at Folly Farm and even has a new girlfriend."
Folly Farm! Could a name be more apt for lemurs. This actually is Uberlemur Twitch Trelow and his team of 12 paw-picked assassins known as the Ringtail League. They are tasked with eliminating Welsh cats sympathetic to the thane cause and blaming it on "thane treachery." The "surrogate father" referred to is, of course their resident alien liaison.
Trelow's "new girfriend" is none other than the notorious Hissy Slutkat, a renegade trailer-park tart from Texas, to whom Trelow was introduced on a visit to certain agent there, (e.g., viz. EMMUTTMAX, op. cit., ibid.) - see ugly mugshot above.
Now wanted for treason even in Texas, traitorous Ms. Slutkat earns her life of seamy lemurian luxury on Folly Farm by wearing a hood and pointing out possible CATS (Celt & Thane Security) agents captured and paraded before her. She is a known source of some of the most outrageous accusations fabricated against thanes and CATS.
* News of some spurious "Middle East-based development" currently rolling off the lemur presses is an obvious diversionary tactic that will not divert Thomond and its ever alert CATS from defending the free Celtic Thane homeland, where - unlike the lemur dominated dictatorship of Madagascar - all species live in harmony.

Raptor rag gloats over incursion

A dispatch from THAMUS (Celts & CATS leader)

While Raptor Air Patrol's upper echelons continue to issue scarcely credible denials of their illegal invasion of thane airspace, they have been badly let down by their scurrilous tabloid, The Daily Poop, which caters to the bird-brain tastes of their non-predatory twittering classes.
Needless to say, despite pressure to maintain the raptors' diplomatic "deniability," the low-brow rag could not resist typical avian chauvinist gloating over the RAP raid in this morning's edition. It "coincidentally" featured an interview with a certain new "hero" (e.g., viz. EMMUTTMAX, op. cit., ibid.), which must have been prepared well in advance.
Meanwhile, the Canadian sector of the high-class community of artists, writers, photographers, philosophers, naked women, cross dressers, angels and cat lovers known as The Stumbles was also rocked by revelations on its PBS (Personal Broadcasts to Stumblers) radio.
In well-sourced leaks from recent diplomatic exchanges, an unnamed senior raptor diplomat was heard disparagingly dismissing the views of "all those feline fanatics in The Stumbles" on the conflict. He boasted that birds had "no need to fear Celtic moggies as our new air and ground forces are more than a match for them".
This use of the "M" word to describe the favorite animal companion of The Stumbles has outraged the community, apart from a few sniggering owners of small dogs and hamsters.
Irish Wolfhound and Red Setter spokeshounds swiftly issued a statement saying they and the Celtic feline community had a close friendship dating back to the 10th century that far outweighed minor cross-species differences. "Celtic first; united cats, dogs and thanes second," the statement said, adding that it would not be duped by cheap foreign simian-avian fabrications.
In a further anti-feline cover-up, the wily Emmuttmax released an old and well-known picture of an innocent junior cat manager being harassed by a gross corporate simian, and attempted to pass it off as "friendship."
The coarse monkey in question narrowly escaped prosecution by making an ex gratia compensation payment, which his former feline employee (name protected) later dismissed as "peanuts."

RAP predators in dawn raid on Thanes

A dispatch from THAMUS (Celts & CATS leader)


Residents of Thomond were shocked this morning as they awoke to an unprovoked dawn raid over the stronghold of the ruling Thane Council by a formation of RAP predators.
It appears that Raptor Air Protection has at last dropped the false mask of neutrality and is now openly acting as the airborne muscle of the lemurs - and therefore, by association, as agents of the planet-threatening aliens of Great Nebula.
Asked if the RAP formation broke the sound barrier, a retired Thomond air warfare expert said, "No, I think they just broke wind."
Council head Thamus said he would be lodging a formal protest with the UN over the illegal violation of Thomond airspace. Asked if the thanes felt intimidated by this new escalation, the council leader laughed and said he knew the birds had been duped by a certain trouble-making lemur eminence grise (e.g., viz. Emmuttmax, op. cit., ibid.),.
"Our forefathers stood with Brian Boru at Clontarf when he crushed and drove out the Vikings, despite their treacherous Valkyrie air support. Our grandfathers stood with Collins in the Easter Rising when we faced down the British Empire and won. We are not the sort of warriors to be intimidated by a passing flock of farting feathers."
The thane, with a nod in the direction of his feline head of security, said he had one word for the aggressors. "Meow!"

Thane security guard questions suspect

A dispatch from THAMUS (Celts & CATS leader)

A security guard employed by the Celtic thanes at the Malta peace talks approaches a suspected eagle member of the lemur-allied multi-predator RAP (Raptor Air Protection) community outside the hotel balcony of Thane delegation leader Thamus.
Using his trademark understated question, "Yes, can I help you?", this alert member of CATS (Celtic and Thane security) saw off the uneasy intruder, who simply mumbled "Oh, I don't think so," and fled.
Conference observers say that while the elite RAP is nominally neutral and remains friendly with both sides, recent documents intercepted by thane intelligence reveal the RAP is seriously considering a lemur request to provide air support in the event of hostilities.
Thane diplomats have been trying to persuade RAP officers that they are being duped by the superficially charming lemurs. The thanes say RAP is ignoring mounting evidence that only alien backing could explain the newly aggressive stance of what were once minor simian nonentities from a far-away country of which we knew little.
Asked to comment, a raptor diplomat would only say: "We are accustomed to looking at things from a higher perspective."