By the Great Nebula in Lemur

[This post is always on top. Scroll down one for new ones].

Here is the enemy... here it begins...

The Time
A warped present, coexisting with some elements of the past and some of the near future.
The Place
A parallel universe with small differences from ours. There is a Lemur constellation, for example.
The Protagonists
The Lemurs - A ring-tailed pre-simian race headquartered in Madagascar but dispersed across the world. Their leader Emmuttmax has made a secret Faustian pact with shadowy aliens from a planet in the Great Nebula of Lemur. The aim appears to be a stealthy subjugation of earth.
The Aliens - Shadowy. From the Great Nebula in Lemur. That's it.
The Thanes - Remnants of an ancient Celtic clan of warriors, astronomers, poets and drinkers. They survive in a time warp in two small enclaves - Castle Thomond in the wilds of Clare, and the Fortress of the Thane Council on a Down coast. Their astronomers detected the alien-lemur alliance, but are ridiculed for their warnings. They fight alone with a few allies, all led by an aging warrior sage, Thamus, who bears the honorific but meaningless title, Thane of Thomond.
The Allies
Feline species: These have allied with the Thanes because of historical connections since ancient Egypt. Being cats, some are opportunists who drift to the lemur side, some females ply their feline charms anywhere with anyone. Despite unconvincing denials, the lemur Emmuttmax has been spotted more than once with a flashy feline floosie.
Bird species: Elite raptor units secretly agreed to provide air support for the lemurs but their Englander leader Rafcop is ambivalent about the war. He calls the Thanes' lemur-alien war theory "a load of paranoid ballocks." His timid non-predator bird tribes deeply distrust and fear the Thanes' cat allies, however, forcing Rafcop to support the lemurs.
Dogs: Hounds play no independent role in the conflict. Being dogs, they just lick the butts of whoever feeds them, and bite whoever they are told to. Emmuttmax keeps a gaggle of useless hounds led by Pathetic Bob, a self-explanatory name.
Minor species: Hamsters, mutants, dolphins and other rubbernecks add occasional color. The most active minor attention seeker is Happibun, a lemur ally. Her motivation is excitement, sorely lacking in suburban rabbit lives, aside from compulsive reproducing. But this female leader of the Long-ear League often seems to be on the wrong side and is rumored to have a soft spot for the Thane leader. Rabbity militarism bemuses combatants on both sides and phrases like "cannon fodder" and "rabbit pie" are often bandied about.
The Battleground
Wherever a lemur paw treads! A most important battle is for public opinion. The "public" is a dispersed global network of virtual communities known as The Stumbles. The residents, or "stumblers," are legendary for their total indifference to the Celtic-Lemur-Alien war raging around them.
The Plot, in their words
Thamus, the thane - "It is our destiny to save an ungrateful planet from smelly lemurs, sinister aliens and bird poop falling from our skies. To fortify our resolve, we brew a number of superior Irish malts in Castle Thomond and launch raids on the enemy."
Emmuttmax, the lemur - "Those hairy drunken Thanes interpret the world through the cloudy bottoms of whiskey glasses with unfocused eyeballs and short-circuited synapses. Theirs is a world of imaginary aliens, conspiracies, bird air forces, warrior rabbits, and lemurs that aren't the bright, furry peace-lovers we all know and love. What can I tell you? Glug, glug, glug - you know what I mean."
Rafcop, the raptor - "Plot? There's a plot behind all this crap?"
Happibun, the rabbit - "Why can't we all just hop over to my burrow for a nice cup of tea and a carrot, and talk things over pleasantly."
[PICTURE: War cloud - the Great Nebula in Lemur]

Genesis: The beginning: First post
How it all started is summarized here - Genesis: How it began. This is where you start reading. The postings by the combatants continue chronologically from there.
No, not "logically". Tough!


These posts are uncut dispatches, news releases and propaganda from all sides in the conflict, collated for historical record by the Celtic-Lemur War Historians Panel. This a group of retired academics has nothing better to do. Each item is bylined as a "A dispatch from..."

©2006-2008 Copyright - Words and images remain the absolute property of the individuals in this collaboration. They have kindly granted us permission to use them in this blog.

The Stoned Lemurs

A dispatch from Emmuttmax (Lemur Alliance leader)


We will be touring in support of our new album, Music By Which to Malign Thanes.

Fart Evader: 'Emmuttmax, I am your father'

Disoriented by the surprise visit of a mysterious warrior emissary from the great nebula in Lemur, the Texas furball, (e.g., viz. EMMUTTMAX, op. cit., ibid.) has started to suffer from pre-consequential long-and-short term memory loss to add to the woes of his existing chronic maladies, including malodorous malfeasance.
The diplomat, Fart Evader [PICTURE, RIGHT], from the shadowy lemur alien race, startled our mangy simian stumbler by suddenly announcing, "Emmuttmax, I am your father." The only response the befuddled Emmuttmax could muster was to totter off to his keyboard and type out an incoherent farrago against the noble Thanes of Thomond.
This sudden burst of coordinated activity between the lemur and raptor camps is causing grave international concern.
This is tied to their joint efforts to deny the existence of the Lemur Capitulation Treaty, which ended the Celtic-Lemur war last year. Equally ominous is the fact that the media are now calling it the "first" war in the clear expectation that a second may be on the way.
Seeking to deny the routine and peaceful journey of the Thane's cat envoy Moody Blue to Texas to collect the annual kibble tribute mandated by the treaty, the lemur and RAPTOR blatantly suggested the picture in the press release was a fictitious "Bill the Cat" owned by the lemur.
This sudden purported affection of the decrepit lemur for a cat is extraordinary, given his anti-feline record, as in his comment to the lemur-owned Fetid Times magazine last year:

Quote: "I have a long history of deriding and heaping scorn on cats. I've always believed they are more in league with the devil than any rat-sized puppy could ever be."

Two weeks later the same pee-stained rag carried a gruesome photograph with the following caption:

Quote: "In a startling display of contempt for the Irish thanes of Thomond and their feline allies, President Bush dined on a live kitten in the White House Rose Garden this morning. Prior to his meal, the president stated, 'Those thanes are nothing but uppity evildoers, and any [cat] who stands with them against peace-loving lemurs is an uppity evildoer too.'"

And now, we are to believe some fictional "Bill the Cat" is a beloved king of the crumbling dry-rot castle in Swamp Lemur? We think not. Next thing you know, we will be asked to believe that the lemur-avian-rabbit alliance is peace-loving country club for afternoon tea sharing. Or that Fart Evader is not Emmuttmax's father.
Furthermore, in his most recent rant, the lying lemur states that this distinguished journal, Chronicles of the Celtic-Lemur Galactic War is, quote, "replete with similar lies, distortions, and obvious signs of senility on the part of the Celtic codgers." Yet a few short months ago Emmuttmax himself wrote:

Quote: "[The chronicle] is a surprisingly balanced report of the ongoing hostilities between the evil Thanes of Thomond and the Lemur alliance. The heretofore thane scribe and chief saber rattler, Thamus, has uncovered an accurate chronicle of each side's thrusts and parries in the conflict."

So where, pray, lies the true sign of senility? Or should that be cunning dissimulation?
What is that loud clanging noise, you ask? Rest assured, it is only the sound of fine steel being honed afresh in Castle Thomond. We are more than ready for the evildoers' new aggression being plotted against mankind (and catkind, and dolphinkind, and ... Oh, fill in your own kind.)

All of a twitter

A dispatch from Thamus(Celtic Thane Alliance)


Well, someone's feathers are all a-flutter suddenly, to wit (if you'll pardon the exaggeration), the twittering bird-brained ally of the smelly lemurs who apparently has sniffed the hot bird-poop of renewed hostilities.
In his deconstruction of the Thanes' post on the great cat hoax in the evil den of the decrepit furball, the bird-brain dares to malign the pedigree and identity of the Thane's top cat and king of Muskovy.
The news release from Thomond Castle simply reported the annual paying of tribute by the cowed Hounds of the Emmuttmaxvilles to Moody Blue, the Thanes' feline emissary.
As is his wont, the feather-headed Rafcop rambles on incoherently and sycophantically about "Bill the Cat," the latest imaginary companion of a certain deluded lemur, (e.g., viz. EMMUTTMAX, op. cit., ibid.)
Putting aside for a moment the delightful folly of a bird leaping to the defence of a cat, old feather-ball claws some more delusions from his reverse-evolved dinosaur brain. As even a first-grade student of the Chronicle of the Celtic-Lemur Galactic War is aware, the cat species has been a staunch ally of the Celtic Thanes from time immemorial, and the main providers of Thomond's special forces and intelligence services.
Moody Blue, the loyal Russian Blue companion of Thane Thamus for many years may not have the brain of a bird (he once considered a frontal lobotomy so he could understand the avian negotiating position during the war) but he well recalls brokering the Lemur Capitulation Treaty at the end of the conflict. (He calls it the Catpitulation Treaty).
To save embarrassment to the twittering birds and twitching bunnies of the Lemur Alliance, the Thanes nobly accepted that while this correct name of the treaty would be mandatory under Thomond jurisdicition, they would generously raise no objections to the defeated species referring to it simply as "the treaty" in international forums.
Now we have both the lemur and avian leaders challenging even the existence of this accord. This can only raise alarm among the non-aligned democracies and species who helped ratify the cease-fire. Thane Intelligence is well aware of stirrings in the dens, perches and hutches of the lemur-avian-rabbit gangs. How quickly they have forgotten the thrashing they received from the Thane and cat forces, which forced even their shadowy alien allies to retreat to the Great Neula in Lemur after their botched attempt to subvert our planet.
Stirrings, sir? By the Celtic god Mannanan, we are on to your machinations and mutterings of hostility and will call your bluff, loud and clear.
Before he finds himself in serious trouble, perhaps Rafcop should allow avian propaganda to be handled, as of yore, by his bumbling but harmless spokesfeather and screech-writer, Pompos Beek. [Picture above]

Hirsute hermit rambles out of the haze

A dispatch from Rafcop (Lemur Alliance)


So the Thane has finally dared to come out of his self imposed exile to spread more scurrilous slander about the emminent emmuttmax and his brave alliance of avians and bunnies.

To state that his miserable muscovite moggie is in fact that noble member of the emmutmax menagerie 'Bill the Cat' is plainly ridiculous.

Doubtless due to over indulgence within the halls of Thomond, he seems to have retreated into a fantasy world where he believes he was victorious in previous encounters.

The Lemur Capitulation Treaty exists solely in his whisky befuddled brain. I await with bated breath to see what further drunken ramblings pour forth from the hirsute hermit's halls.

Rumbling from the castle

A dispatch from Emmuttmax (Lemur Alliance leader)
For many months, the bellicose rumblings from Castle Thoman have been dormant. Ever since Thamus, the Thane of Thoman retreated behind the castle walls to lick the wounds inflicted upon him by the lemur-rabbit-avian forces, peace has reigned, and the smell of sour whiskey has been cleansed from the Earth. However, like long dormant flatulence, the thane's voice has once again burst forth, and foul winds are blowing.
In a recent post on Thamus' pages titled "'Obey the Celtic Cat,' the lying lemur meant to say," the old, Irish gladiator has imagined himself a mind reader, and in so doing, besmirched the good name of Bill the Cat. In his hallucinatory ramblings, Thamus confused his own cat Moody Blue (which he claims is a Russian Blue, but is in reality just an old depressed tabby) for my super-intelligent, Lion King kitten, Bill.
The history of the lemur-thane hostilities is replete with similar lies, distortions, and obvious signs of senility on the part of the Celtic codgers. "Evil plots of lemurs," "Lemur Capitulation Treaty," "war of aggression by the Madagascan madcaps"...laughable indeed.
Madagascan and madcap we may be, but aggression is not one of our traits. Lemurs have long suffered from the aggression of Celtic madmen ever since we where forced to leave the Emerald Isle by beer-swilling, shamrock snorting thanes centuries ago. In recent years we have be subjected to wild accusations emanating from behind castle walls that there is some vast cosmic alliance between lemurs and space aliens. After the world had seen through this madman's ludicrous charges, he tucked his cape between his legs, crossed the moat, pulled up the drawbridge, and peace-loving people and animals everywhere breathed a sigh of relief.
This latest outburst may be nothing more than a brief flash of insanity due to a lapsed Thorazine prescription, but the situation bears watching.